tldr: even More lists
For the past three years, I have compiled a list.
- One when I turned 17,
- another when I turned 18 a week~ later,
- yet another a year later when I turned 19, because who doesn’t love a good tradition,
- and sure fuck it, one more last year when I turned 20, because why not.
Last year I was really looking forward to starting up this list again. In fact, I posted it exactly the day after my birthday. But here we are a year and three~ weeks later, and I am barely scrapping together the motivation to keep it going. Not to say I don’t like seeing where I was a year ago, it’s just. Been one hell of a year.
But I know that if I don’t make this list, I’ll regret it next year. Or the year after that. Or ten years down the road when I’m sitting at a bar table with friends for my 31st birthday, lamenting about the times I used to blog in college and start to miss the good ‘ol days. So here’s to diminishing future regrets I guess.
And oh yeah, I turned 21.
In response to 19 Things I Like About Myself from last year. Reminder dear reader, you can always skip to the new lists. I mostly like responding to last year’s for traditions sake.
- I still like my eyes. When I’m feeling existential or depressed or hungover, and I take just a second longer staring in the bathroom mirror wondering to myself “What are you doing?”, it’s nice to find some comfort in a familiar face.
- I miss swing dancing sometimes. This past year, the swing dancing group didn’t meet up that often, and when they did meet I just didn’t have enough time to go. How did that happen? I used to just, be able to make the time for things like that. Maybe it became a bit less of a priority this year. Hopefully next year I pick it back up, because I do really like feeling the rhythm in music and leading swing dancing.
- Well I taught the metric spaces class again this year! And this year, the lecture videos made it to OCW. I didn’t win an award for the work this year (frankly I wasn’t expecting too, because I won it last year), but I did get paid! I don’t know if I want to teach it again this year though. I think it might be time to pass the torch off to actual MIT professors given that in two years I might no longer be at MIT. I hope I will be, but the odds of that are really low. That said, if I taught the metric spaces class again this year and got to teach it throughout graduate school? God that would be cool.
And the work I did for 18.100A is still some of my best work, in my opinion. I am glad I had the opportunity to type some really amazing lecture notes and make them available online. Right now I am doing the same for the matrix calculus class, and while it’s fun, it’s not quite the same as it was for real analysis. It almost makes me want to type up the notes for other analysis classes. But I don’t really know which one I would go for next. - I still like how I sing. Not enough to ever audition for an a capella group or Next Sing or something like that, but I like my singing enough. One of the things I miss most about home when I am at college is being able to sing on car rides, which I find a little silly.
- God I’m so glad I started The Meta Home Paige last year– it really makes applying for stuff so much easier, and it’s a nice link to be able to just forward people. “Oh you want to know what classes I’ve taken? Check my home page.” “Oh you need access to my CV? Here you go, it was updated not too long ago.” etc. etc. And my simple html coding skills have gotten better over time!
- I mean, I like that I can be spontaneous. I’m not sure that I like being all that spontaneous anymore? But I still like the possibility to be.
- Hell yeah packing quickly and efficiently is one of my major strong suits. This year, the day I got my boxes for Storage Squad [fuck them for making their boxes smaller this year while keeping the cost the same], I started packing up my things. I had three boxes packed in less than a day, and the rest packed by that weekend. And the week I had to move out, I didn’t have to stress about packing at all. Seriously, a good skill to have for college is being able to pack up your shit quickly, efficiently, and with no regrets.
- I am no longer an editor! I mean, for the Campus Life section of The Tech anyways. I do have the skills of an editor, which I like about myself. And I did really enjoy editing some professor’s manuscripts this year. [Should I say which professors? Uncertain. Will be on the safer side.]
- I still like being able to store ideas in my head for a long time, though I do think that I am now more prone to just trying to flush the idea out when I can/when I get the motivation to. Waiting a year and a half to write a piece that has been wracking your brain is great and all, but I get paid to write now. It’s nice to just sit down and write/work.
- I still like my handwriting, though for some reason I wasn’t a huge pen and paper note taker last year. I think this is, in part, due to the classes I took. For instance, you aren’t exactly taking notes in the Project Lab class for Course 18– you’re simply working on your project. Or similarly, for complex analysis I didn’t need to take detailed notes because I had spent the summer beforehand learning some of the material really well (which was a godsend for that class honestly). That said, for my senior year classes I really should be more cautious and mindful about taking notes for the classes I am really interested in (which is all of them).
- I feel like my ability to talk to others about mathematics with/without feeling bad about myself comes and goes. I don’t know where I am right now with respect to this ability.
- More on this bullet point to come in blogposts my senior year as I think more carefully about my life after college.
- Call it ADHD or something.
- Swimming in the Boston Harbor was so much fun! I miss that group of people from my sophomore year. I still hang out with some of them, but not as often as I used to.
- I am no longer quite as good at just sitting alone with my thoughts– yet another skill that comes and goes for some reason or another. That said, I have become way more comfortable with the fact that I where my headphones just about everywhere.
- I am definitely neurodivergent. In what way? I don’t quite know for certain, but almost certainly autism in my humble opinion. And yes, it is really hard to be diagnosed. More on that later in this post.
- I do like feeling well connected in the mathematics department; I think this is one of my greatest assets.
- I have gotten a lot better at reading through mathematics papers this past year! Research really helped with that, plus reading more papers after my own publications.
- While I think I am good at trying to see the bigger picture, what I admire more about myself this year is being able to focus on what is in front of me a little bit more. Both are valuable skills.
In response to 20 Things to Change/Do by 21,
- I got that tattoo! One of my favorites, and my only tattoo with color to date.
- Ehhhh this did not happen. I ended up being really busy this year. I have a feeling that exploring the city I am in will be something that happens more in graduate school, when I have an apartment and a slightly simpler work schedule, and I’m not taking a bajillion math classes a semester.
- Also did not happen. Hopefully next year. It’s easier to want to put in the effort to do things like this when you actually know you have the money to cover it. I, do not.
- hahahaha
- I did ask Larry if I could join his graduate student analysis reading group! He said no. But I tried! I think I will try again this year too, fuck around and find out. Also, I think it is more likely he will say yes based on what I do this summer, and also the fact that like half of his students graduated last year.
- I’ve been doing more with OCW! I recorded a podcast with Haynes Miller, love that! I am currently typing up notes for the matrix calculus class, which I think is helpful for someone, if not just me. The lecture videos for my metric spaces class came out! It’s all looking gravy. Looking forward to another year with OCW.
- I did teach again over IAP! I enjoyed it. Again (as I said above), I don’t know if I will do it this year or not. But I did it last year, which was nice.
- I actually did end up getting a new laptop– an actual one, not a Window’s surface. 1) a Surface is expensive, and 2) it is horrendous to work with a Surface on your lap. I was really hoping to wait until graduate school to buy a new laptop, but my old one kicked the bucket randomly and spontaneously. I guess I should’ve heeded the Low Disk Space warning.
- God I got to get an XBOX controller to play Hollow Knight on my laptop with. Now this laptop is Not gaming level quality (I say as it freaks out as I type this blogpost). But I like being able to play games with an XBOX controller when I can. It feels like a simple purchase to make.
- I actually didn’t grab coffee with math professors. Maybe this year?
- I got a Britta for my room! God I can’t believe this was on my list of things to do in this past year, but I did it. Wooo.
- I got to blog 90! Well, more like 88 by the time I turned 21. But still, 10 blog posts over what I thought I would get, and even 75 I thought was pushing it at the time I wrote it.
- Well, technically I did start a math blog. Last year. Just an introduction. Still, not nothing. Realistically, this past year I have been mocking up some math blogs to post, but it’ll be a while til these are ready. Still, not nothing.
- I am trying to get an autism diagnosis! Basically a year ago I scheduled an appt for a diagnosis meeting, and that meeting is in *checks watch* October! So.
- I have indeed been reading through some books– math, fiction, and autobiographical. The math was just for learning’s sake. The fiction was here and there. And the autobiographical is for a memoir I am working on…
- I have been writing even more! 40 blogs in one year! That’s like, almost 3 a month! Hopefully even more next year as I become a senior blogger and try to step up my game. And also, that memoir I am working on… it is taking everything I have not to just start posting chapters of that memoir on this blog but I really want to publish it eventually. If it ever gets close to finished.
- Did not happen, surprisingly. I have a number of friends at BC but I just didn’t spend time there. Rather unfortunate but I’m not going to push to spend time with people who won’t push to spend time with me.
- I went home for a week! Over spring break. And a bit over winter break. Both were slightly necessary, but still.
- I do want to go to grad school. Do I want to go after taking a gap year or not? I don’t know. But I do want to go to grad school.
- None of these last three things happened, but the vibes were acheived I think.
Now for the new lists.
20 Things I Like About Myself
- I like that when I needed help– like, really really needed help– I didn’t hesitate to go get it.
- I like that I have learned how to relax a little bit. I can just take things as they come, trust the process, and chill out a little bit.
- I like that I have started painting my nails again.
- I like that I can shoot my shot and not feel bad for trying. Like, how last year I asked Larry if I could be in his graduate analysis reading group, and the fact that I am going to ask again this year. Or how this year I applied for a math program that was meant to be for grad students and post docs, and I got in! I can just try something. Now to apply that to my dating life oop.
- I like that my tolerance for bullshit is low. If you’re going to be rude or a dick, I’ll call you out for it, and I won’t feel bad.
- I like that I have/am trying to forgive myself for not forgiving others who have hurt me in the past.
- I like that I can give a good presentation. Give me a day or two to prepare, and I can give a 25 minute presentation no problem. Especially if it is on an area of math I find interesting.
- I like how I look in these new dresses I bought last spring. Hell, I like that I finally feel confident enough to wear dresses now.
- I like that I am writing a memoir. I have been really inspired by other MITAdmissions bloggers who have written books, and I am finally going for it. Also, with respect to writing this piece, I like that I have been able to talk to/get advice from some members of the MIT Literature/Writing departments. In particular, two professors I have taken classes with before, and another that one of those professors recommended to me. Cool stuff.
- I like that I take little trinkets with me when I leave Boston. Right now on me, I have my classic plastic pint cup from Ampersand, my Lesbian octopus stuffed animal, and a plastic replica of Piper from the Pixar short film Piper.
- I love that I have been invited to watch a few graduate thesis defenses this year. In fact, next week I am visiting Boston to watch another, making a grand total of three this year! I am going to miss those who are graduating though. Like, a lot.
- I like that I can just pick up a new paper in my field of math and vaguely understand how it fits into the current literature. Like, not precisely necessarily, but a bit. And I have gotten a lot better at reading math papers this past year. For instance, for my summer research this year, I read five papers in less than a week and got a lot out of it.
- I like that I can finally come up with my own research questions that I want to study/explore in a UROP. I hope I get to explore some of them next year. I already know where I want to start. Similarly, I like that I can do research with people across the globe (a paper or two with some of those people will be coming out soon).
- I like that I try to do things for “Past Paige” or “Future Paige”. It’s like a small sense of obligation that I am glad I have.
- I like that I am an MITAdmissions blogger. I really do. Every year when I applied and got rejected was just really hard. It’s hard to “be a part of a community” but not really feel like a part of it, yknow? And now I am a part of it. Similarly, I like that I have written some weird blogs (see: blogs on being 4-dimensional worms).
- I like that I am finally working on changing my legal name. Hopefully I can get changes through in time so that I can apply to graduaute school without needing to worry about name stuff.
- I like that I have a good board presence, or so I have been told about my lectures. Good board management/presenting is something I pride myself on.
- I like that I regularly wear a friendship bracelet a friend bought for me, and a ring I bought with another friend on Newbury street.
- I like that people have been confusing me for a senior these past three years. This year, people will finally be right though I guess.
- I like that I’m continuing the tradition of the Lists blog again.
21 Things to Change/Do by 22
- Become better at finding closure for myself. This is one of the biggest things I struggle with these days. I can recognize when others have hurt me, I can go to therapy and talk about it, but the one thing I haven’t figured out how to do is to find closure without the other person. I’ve needed to cut people out of my life for one reason or another here and there, but damn cutting people off makes it really hard to move on without them. Hopefully this next year I get better at it.
- Get another tattoo, if I can get the money to. I think I want to get a tattoo of The Creation of Adam painting with the quote “As Above, So Below”.
- Fuck it I’ll say it again: go on a date or two. One of these years it’s bound to happen.
- Pass the torch of my metric spaces class to another professor. It needs to be taught every year, I strongly believe this. But I can’t do that forever (at least not until I get tenure lol /j).
- Get to blog number 138. That’s right I amm shooting for the moon: four blogs every month. Not as often as some people blog, but about as often as I think I reasonably can my senior year.
- Write up to page 50 of my memoir. I am up to page 22 at this point. If I can get to 50 pages, maybe I can really start to consider publishing this book a plausible reality.
- Get into (a) graduate school. I know I’ll get in somewhere. Fingers crossed it is somewhere I want to go.
- Host a tea/coffee/hot cocoa/hot drink hangout session in my room at Next House. A bit of background: When I started my sophomore year of college, I thought I would have more people in my room than I actually did, so I bought a lot of cups so people could come over and hangout and drink cofffee/tea/something. That didn’t end up happening. But now that I am going to be a senior: maybe I can make this a reality on my floor? Maybe.
- Get that autism diagnosis!
- Keep watching Dimension 20. Seriously, I always feel better when I take two-three hours out of my week to watch one episode of dungeons and dragons.
- Speaking of, run a semi-regular Dungeons and Dragons game next year.
- Publish another paper or two on the arXiv. Or three or four.
- Celebrate your birthday with friends when you get back to MIT in the fall. I don’t care if my birthday is in June, I want to celebrate with some of my close friends from MIT.
- Beat Celeste (again).
- Be a TA for another analysis class or two. Maybe 100B with Melrose, 101 with Jezequel, or 103 with Shia.
- Try to make Dead Maths Society work again. (If you know you know.)
- Don’t destroy another backpack by putting too much stuff in it this year.
- Have an existential crisis about how undergrad is almost over and you’re almost an “adult”, and by adult I mean once again almost the bottom of the food chain.
- Do something/plan to do something wild for the summer after senior year. Hell Julia is spending this summer travelling EUROPE– you can visit the UK for a week.
- Continue being an “editor” mathematically, whatever that means for you.
- Have a better mental health year this year.
Dear future Paige,
I can’t believe it has almost been a year since my previous update to this series of lists. We are getting there. Slowly but surely. Hell, it’s been three years– what’s a fourth? We got this.
See you on the other side of graduation,
Past Paige
The Home Paige 