0107. I’m a Writer

tldr: or whatever

note: I initially typed this out on a Twitter thread and then copied it over here; so if each paragraph feels like <280 characters or whatever it is, that’s because it more or less is. Enjoy.

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It’s been an interesting journey these past 4-5 years as a writer. Hell, five years ago I don’t think I’d even consider myself to be a *gestures vaguely* writer. Just a nerd who liked math and enjoyed writing essays more than I thought one should.

Then, I started blogging to start putting down roots at MIT; to really feel like I was there and to really put in thought into how I was experiencing all of it as a first-gen low-income student. I was not very good, but I did try. Idk.

Then, progressively, MIT became more and more of a beast. Add on top of that various mental health difficulties, and it just became really hard to handle for a While. But I kept writing. Even during the hard times. Arguably, I wrote the most during the hard times.

It’s been interesting to think about, because I’ve been writing a lot more recently. And it’s not like things are precisely easy any more. But how I feel about things “not being easy” is so much healthier. Like, here’s a very simple example.

When things were at their worst, I’d send my writing to a lot of friends and folks and get thoughts on the pieces; but this wasn’t healthy; it kept reaching out for support through my writing (and often found it <3), but I’m not going to sit here and pretend like that’s a healthy way to cope with things being difficult. Of *course* anything that gets you the support you need and helps your mental health is worth pursuing. But I now have more skills (and medication) to handle when things get rough (academically, emotionally, mentally).

I’ve been working on this essay that I am really proud of; for a number of reasons but in particular because as I write it I can tell how much I’ve changed. On the one hand, because as I write this essay, I *do* think of myself as a writer. Earlier today, my brain said “it’s not like you’re a writer” and my brain quickly retorted “shut the absolute FU-“. Anyways.

Furthermore, as I’ve been working on this essay, I’ve been sending it to a lot of friends. Like, a lot. And, it’s not me reaching out for help (I really truly swear); it’s that I am really proud of what I am writing and how much better I’ve been handling my emotions. Like part of this essay I’ve been writing has been trying to disentangle a whole bunch of complicated feelings regarding being an adult and being in academia. And it doesn’t make me feel (as) overwhelmed to be feeling all these things at once; rather I just feel really grateful to be Experiencing Life or whatever.

I am a writer, I guess. Isn’t that nice?

New essay to come out at some point soon but like, gonna take my time with it as I am really enjoying it.