063. I Feel

tldr: too much

I feel like I talk too much.
I try to listen intentionally when people are talking,
but sometimes my mind just gets stuck on one word.
One idea, one phrase, one concept.
And then,
either when the other person has finished their thought,
or when they noticed I’m not fully paying attention,
or when they get a chance to catch their breath,
I talk.

I go down a rabbit hole of my multiple trains of thought,
and pop culture references,
and random obscure philosophical and existential questions
that I can’t answer,
nor do I expect the other person to be able to,
but that I can’t keep to myself.
And when I have finished my thought,
and the other person has finally been able to take their breath,
the cycle repeats.

They talk,
then I talk.
It’s how conversations are supposed to go.
But it feels wrong.
It feels like I’m talking too much,
or talking about the wrong thing,
or talking for the sake of talking
rather than talking for the sake of a conversation.
I don’t know why conversations feels this way,
especially since I like to talk.

I feel like I don’t talk enough.
As much as I like to make my voice heard,
to demand my voice be heard,
I internalize so much.
Because I don’t want to say the wrong thing.
I feel like if I do I may piss off
the few close friends I’ve been able to make here.
So I run into some form of conflict,
as all relationships are bound to do,
and I don’t say anything.
I don’t talk enough.

And then, all I have is myself.
Myself to blame,
for not communicating my feelings.
Myself to confide in,
because not even the other person knows how I’m feeling,
and I can’t tell them at this point.
to be disappointed in.

It’s my fault I didn’t say anything.
It’s my feelings not theirs;
if I can just not feel them
I’ll stop feeling this way.
It’s my inability to communicate,
to talk just enough
to convey how I feel calmly,
that makes me feel,
after weeks and months of
not talking enough,
like the only solution is to yell.
Like the only solution is to be quiet.
Like the only solution doesn’t exist.
I feel like it’s my fault.

I feel like I’m not good with spontaneity.
I despise the concept of surprise birthdays
“it’s my birthday why can’t you just tell me first?”
I find random roadtrips confusing
“you couldn’t have told me you wanted to go on a hike yesterday?”
But I don’t want to hold others back.
I don’t want to get in the way of other’s spontaneity.
So I worry about if I’m being open enough to new things,
or if I’m somehow bringing down the mood
with my discomfort.

I feel like I just want some spontaneity.
I want to go randomly wading in the Boston Harbor,
or cut my hair,
or blurt out some feelings.
I feel like I’m not good with spontaneity.

Because being good with spontaneity
means not being an asshole along the way.
Not being annoyed when your socks are wet,
and not scratching at the hair on your neck,
and not yelling at someone
just because you can’t hold your feelings in

I’ve been working on my feelings.
My therapist says I should use
“I Feel” statements.
I didn’t get why at first.
I know how I feel–
and I know that I want to convey
these feelings to other people–
why should I tell them that it’s
me who feels that way?
That feels obvious.

But as I find myself,
having conversations I should’ve been having
months or years ago,
I feel like it’s rather hard to use “I Feel”.
I would rather just jump to the point
and go on a long rant about my feelings,
“I feel like I talk too much.”
but this isn’t helpful.

It’s spontaneous, sure.
But it leaves me in the same spot as I was before:
not having the conversation I really needed.
Sure, the other person may try to listen intentionally,
but a rant leaves too much room
for the other person to get
“Stuck on one word. One idea, one phrase, one concept.
And it’s not their fault.
It’s mine.

I need to be ready to talk.
And if they aren’t,
there’s nothing I can do to change that.
Nor do I think I should try even if I could.
But if they’re ready, then I’ll be here,
and I’ll take a breath and say,
“I feel.”

Published by Paige Bright

Hi- my name is Paige Alexandria Bright. I am a rising junior at MIT interested in mathematics and philosophy. I have been writing this blog since the beginning of COVID. Lets see where this goes.

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